Hellooooo-Holaaaaaa!
I come to you after writing 6 posts in my brand new blogging adventure of 2013, promptly followed up by a 6+ week break! In my teen daughter's language, "This is a FAIL, mom"... The recap: What I prayed about in January at the start of this blog happened and my worst fear came true. I was worried about how I was going to keep the blog up, seeing as I feel life moves at the speed of sound and my time management skills are not deft enough to take on a new hobby while drowning. "Why did I do this in the first place?", I asked myself and my guilt-ridden self replied "to journal life for your daughter's so they can look back at it one day and see that a life with Christ and others is so worth living".
As it turned out it wasn't lack of time that took the wind out of my blogging sails...I can now share that on March 6th life threw us a curve ball as we were thrilled to be expecting and nearing the 3 month mark. I couldn't wait to share the news, I couldn't believe our good fortune & the blessing of being pregnant after an eight year gap. At the 3/6 appointment we saw a perfectly formed baby on the ultrasound...not a hard to make out figure but our baby!
We couldn't hear the heartbeat and for a second I wondered if that was bad news, although we could see it was by the way it was written all over the specialist's face. We chose to wait to give the baby a chance to have the heartbeat detected. For those 14 days my world went blank, my joy turned to sorrow and I really couldn't control the mix of emotions that often led to tears. For the first time in my adult life I didn't want to get out of bed to find out what God had in store. The girls visited me in bed and that just made me feel worse, as I rationalized that I wasn't sick and recalled real tragedies of people we love and the suffering of many we don't know and pray for. This is our second miscarriage and Sofi/Alex in the future when you read this I want you to know... One day according to scripture we will get to meet these precious ones of our family in a very real way. When King David's child died he wasn't mad at God, he did not fully understand it but he held on to the promise of life after death and heaven."But now that the baby is dead, why should I fast? I can't bring him back to life. Someday I will go to him, but he cannot come back to me". 2 Sam 12:23.
I didn't understand why me, why again, and wondered if God thought I didn't deserve to be a mom. Not because that is who I think He is... but if I'm honest, no matter how low, those were
my thoughts.
On April 24th, I was finally able to thank God for the dark cloud lifting from my horizons and for those he sent that knew of my despair, prayed for me and tried valiantly to hold me up when I didn't think I wanted them to. I finally felt the need to pray for my husband, recognizing this ache is not mine alone and to lift him up to the One that comforts.
Later that day, God gave me the surprise of my life as I knew He was speaking to me through these words in a devotional describing the pain of the people in Nehemiah. "A prayer from the people of this place started with praise for the Almighty and supplication. Only then were they ready to consecrate themselves again to the Lord."
God... after every pain and even after joy, when I don't trust your plan and fail in all my efforts please remind me to
rededicate myself to you, responding to the circumstances of life with affirmations of trust. Only then will I be able to say, "Bind me here, my God, bind me here with cords, even forever". Thank you for the gift of motherhood and for being a merciful, awesome God who keeps His covenant of love. (Neh 9:32)
Thank you all who visit & for coming alongside us to do life together in good times and bad. Fellowship & transparency are some of the ingredients propelling this little blog along, and I hope it blesses you as your love and friendship blesses us.
